| How To Love People Enough To Involve Them In Your Dreams and Future |
| Friendship is a Verb (in a hurting world) by Stuart Wood |
| Here is CHAPTER 1 Friendship & Relationship Understanding Our Relationships The subject of relationships is complex. Relationships are two way and are vital in our everyday life and in the life of the church. Our successes, failures and sense of fulfilment are integral to the kind of relationships we build and maintain. I’m reminded of a story about a priest who decided, one sunny Sunday morning, to play a round of golf rather than take the morning service. So, he rang the church office to explain that he was ill and then drove to the golf course. The angels saw this and told God, who said, “Don’t worry, he’ll be suitably punished.” At the first tee the priest took out a wood and drove the ball straight down the fairway. Two bounces later it had cleared the bunkers and rolled onto the green. Then, forming a long, slow, right hand arc the ball eventually struck the flag and dropped in the hole. A hole-in-one! At the next hole the story was similar. A shorter hole, with the green beyond some nasty thickets, the priest decided to use a one iron. He played his tee shot and watched in amazement as the ball flew towards some trees, struck one, bounced over the thickets and a large bunker, onto the green, hit the flag pole and dropped straight in. Another hole-in-one! The angels were getting agitated and said to God, “Do something about this!” God said, “It’s all in hand.” Despite this, the priest continued to score a hole-in-one at each of the successive sixteen holes to give him a round of 18, an all time record. At this, the chief angel lost his temper. “You said you’d punish this priest and all he does is break the course record with a total score of 18!” “Yes!” said God, “But who can he tell?” Communicating with others and having the opportunity to share our triumphs, failures, fears and ambitions is so important for fulfilment in life. If this was not so, why is solitary confinement used as a punishment? When we do not share with others, either through choice or through imposed circumstances, we can become frustrated and angry, or we may become depressed and reclusive. God designed us for relationship; otherwise He would only have made Adam! Failures in relationships lead to great sorrow, stress, anger, and in some cases, loss of life through murder or suicide. Because God designed us to be in relationships, I believe that we can only really live out our faith and beliefs effectively when we make our relationships a priority. For the Christian it is our relationship with God that is of paramount importance. This is the anchor which should hold us steady in this world, the foundation on which all our other relationships are built. A good relationship with God is a great start, but it is not the whole story; the Bible calls us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Luke 10: 27b). Therefore, it follows that unless I learn to love myself I have little chance of ever loving my neighbor. I believe that loving myself begins when I begin to see myself as God really sees me; valued, unconditionally loved and cherished for who I am (warts and all). For some of us, taking this onboard may require considerable effort, even adjustment or a change of our culture. If we are honest, many of us find it hard to love ourselves. Sadly, this is often the fruit of our upbringing, or of erroneous teaching. We have grown up meeting the expectations of others, having to respond to demands like, “Do this or you won’t get the reward” or “Aim for the top or you’ve failed.” Others may have been severely punished, either physically or psychologically (emotionally), by family, friends and/or church for attitudes or behavior which ‘doesn’t fit in to their expectations’. So, if someone says or does something that either consciously or subconsciously reminds us of these past events, we are likely to respond more negatively than when something is said that reminds us of happier experiences. Therefore, it is not surprising that a negative response can be triggered in us by what someone else says. In such a situation, we may feel uneasy or threatened because we no longer feel in control, or we are suddenly back in the classroom being made to look stupid in front of our friends. These types of response arise through insecurity and are more common in people who have grown up with a lot of discipline, but little love, support or encouragement. Since there is this inextricable link between our emotions and our actions, we should not be too surprised if we don’t always handle other people very well! What Can Go Wrong? In short, a great deal! Imagine two people interacting, both with past hurts which have not been dealt with. As we have seen already, it may only take one word to trigger a bad response in the other. If we now expand this to a community of people, such as in a church, we can begin to see the potential for problems. The Bible describes God’s church as ‘living stones’ (all different) and not ‘living bricks’ (all the same). God brings together people from all backgrounds and walks of life to form His church. This is rather like a craftsman who builds a dry stone wall. He does not use cement or mortar to hold it together. Instead, he chooses specific stones to fit together securely. Sometimes, he will chip a bit off here and there, or re-shape the stones so that they fit together as he wants. In the same way, God builds His church from an odd selection of people, some of whom actively dislike each other! The difference is that in the church the Holy Spirit binds us and holds us together. However, because we all carry baggage and insecurities, there is opportunity for any of our relationships to go wrong. We find it easy to judge each other based on our own experiences. We also tend to hold grudges and rank people’s importance based on their status, position, title, appearance; even how good we think they are. This is dangerous! God Himself tells us in the Bible that ‘Everyone has sinned and is far away from God’s saving presence’ (Romans 3: 23). We are all in the same position; we fall short of God’s standards. We feel inadequate, insecure or the need to control a situation or person, and these often drive the decisions we make. Perhaps we exercise power in order to get what we want, rather than what is best for the other person. We may lose the ability to act in a way that is best for the other person, because the outcome may threaten us. What starts out as a well-meaning relationship becomes distorted as we subtly begin to work for our own advantage. In short, it becomes abusive. We not only damage others, but often ourselves as well. We may try to hide these insecurities by ‘wearing masks’ to project an image of being in control, decisive, happy, without problems or some other pretence. Many of us would feel far more secure if we lived in a world without problems, especially those for which we have no easy solutions, or no solutions at all. For some reason we feel threatened if we have to admit that we’ve not succeeded or that we don’t know an answer. Sadly, there are whole church communities that have grown on these foundations. God is always victorious, waging war against the enemy and marching on. There are never any real problems and even if there are, they are seen as ‘trials sent by the enemy’ to be overcome or simply denied. There is often a ‘spiritual elite’ in the community who somehow know some special secrets of God’s Kingdom and His ways. God may be presented as so high and mighty that he has neither the time nor the patience for anyone who isunable to maintain His standards. He is unwittingly presented as a perfectionist who condemns sin and by default, condemns us. This is a severely distorted picture of God! However, people like these are not new; they were around at the time of the first prophets and were called ‘Gnostics’. They were also severely criticised for their elitist mentality and for the barriers they put in the way of ‘non-members’ trying to find God for themselves. Other people become very heavenly minded and spiritual, denying the reality of what is happening. They are of little earthly use. I personally find that the most worrying people are those who claim to be in a close relationship with God, yet continue to resent others and act in ways that betray their words. This too is a form of denial. The Bible tells us that it is impossible to love God and hate our neighbor. Sometimes we end-up betraying a relationship that we have developed because we can no longer handle it. ... |
| Friendship is a Verb (in a hurting world) by Stuart Wood |
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Like what you read so far? The above is part of Chapter 1 of the book
| Brought to you by Jacob Gan, PhD (Michigan) |
